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Posted: September 15, 2017

A word for new moms

By Allen TIbbetts

Let’s jump right in.

Today’s gripe: Moms who put bows on their babies’ heads.

I seriously don’t get this. Every single girl child that pops up on my social media feed has a bow on her head. What’s going on here? Trying to make your baby look like… Dumbo? Minnie Mouse? A rabbit?

I have a niece claiming that just as with big hair, the bigger the bow, the closer to Jesus.

Yeah, we say that in that South, but it’s only because bad style needs an excuse, if you ask me.

A random baby that may or may not be family.  

Not only is this a silly trend, some of y’all have pretty rotten tastes in bows.*

Somebody needed to say that.

What you see in those pictures is your little angel looking so precious. What I see is trouble looming. So let me just go ahead and prepare you for the conversation your surly teenage daughter is going to have with you in about 17 years:

“Can I ask why you ruined all my baby pictures by wrapping my head up like you were going to give it away for Christmas?”

“Can I get a tattoo? What do mean, you think it will make me look silly? Didn’t seem to bother you when I was a baby.”

“What’s with that bow? Had Wal-Mart run out of pretty ones or was Dollar General having a sale?”

I have another question. All of the babies I see have known fathers. Where are the fathers? Why are the dads not stepping up and saying something?

Be a man! Assert yourself! Or at least claim half ownership of rights to decorating the baby’s head and take the bow off.

I’ve never had children but I can assure you if my wife wanted to put a bow on Dumpling’s head, we’d be striking a deal. "Sure, you can put a bow on her head if I never have to do poopy-diaper duty again for the rest of eternity."

Something like that. I’m a b-a-a-a-d man!

Oh, I can feel your eyes rolling, moms. I know what you’re thinking.

‘Grumpy old man.’

But I know what you’re really doing. You’re trying to mask your baby’s fat head. 

Look, that’s just the facts of life. Most babies’ heads are too big for their bodies when they are born. What happened to just saying a ‘bless her heart’ and knowing she would grow into it eventually?

Has anyone considered that a fat-headed baby with a bow only makes fat-headed baby’s head look bigger?

Moms, trust me on this. Do your baby a favor. Buck the trend.

#saynotothebow (You can steal that; I stole your baby’s picture.)

No need to thank me. Just doing what I can to make you a better parent. Heaven knows, y’all need help.

*No specific accusations are intended for the babies pictured in this story. Although if the shoe fits…

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